Reason to Live
by Ryvian
Summary: Kadaj has a late night discussion and receives some help from Yazoo.


**Reason to Live**

"Kadaj…"

Kadaj awoke with a start and sat up, peering into the shadows of the room, looking for the source of the voice.

"Kadaj!" the voice spoke again, this time sounding irritated.

Kadaj scoffed at his own idiocy. One would think he would have been used to this by now.

He slid out of his sleeping bag, careful not to disturb his brothers, who were asleep on either side of him and fetched his jacket off a nearby chair, before heading out onto the balcony of the cheap inn to deal with the interruption.

He slipped the coat over his bare shoulders, not bothering to put it on properly and sat down against the side of the building.

"We're doing just as you've said," Kadaj spoke into the night.

"You are not," his eldest brother's cold voice rang in his head, "I told you to continue on to Midgar."

Kadaj glared, as if Sephiroth had been standing there to see it. "We've been traveling for days! We need to rest!"

Kadaj could feel Sephiroth's annoyance at that. "You've had enough rest," he said, "Mother is waiting."

He clenched his hands into fists against the wooden floor. "We're not leaving yet."

Sephiroth's annoyance turned to anger. "Have you no concern for Mother?"

What kind of idiotic question was that? Of course he cared about Mother!

"Then you will leave," Sephiroth said, "Now."

"Fuck you!" Kadaj stood up, intent on going back inside and ignoring Sephiroth.

He had his hand on the door knob when pain shot along the patch of geostigma that coiled around his torso like some demented serpent. He fell to his knees as the muscles in his back began to spasm and strange scenes flashed before his eyes; fire, cold steel, and blood…rivers of blood…Then nothing but darkness.

---

"Kadaj?"

"Kadaj!"

The voice that invaded Kadaj's mind this time sounded frightened and was accompanied by warm hands shaking him. He opened his eyes and saw Yazoo's concerned face illuminated by the moonlight.

"Nii-san…" he said, not at all happy with how weak he sounded.

Kadaj became aware that he was trembling and cursed his body for making him look weak. He was not allowed to be weak, he was their leader. He was the special one.

Yazoo didn't comment on it, he simply wrapped Kadaj's coat that had fallen off around him and tightened his hold.

Kadaj leaned his head against Yazoo's shoulder.

"What happened?" Yazoo asked.

"He…he wanted us to leave," Kadaj said, "I said no, and he hurt me."

"Bastard…" Yazoo said, looking out toward the horizon.

"I hate it," Kadaj said, "Mother doesn't care about me…us…only him. It's like we only exist for him and for their damn Reunion."

"Such is our curse," Yazoo said, "We exist for Reunion and we cannot truly live without it."

Bitter tears stung Kadaj's eyes. "Yeah, because we're just fucking _spirits_…nothing more than shadows of him…"

"I hate him!" Kadaj banged his fist against Yazoo's chest. "I hate that his blood runs in my veins, I hate his voice in my head, and I hate his stupid Reunion!"

He felt the tears run down his face. "Damn it…"

"Don't cry, Kadaj," Yazoo said, but it wasn't in the same mocking tone he used when he said the same thing to Loz. He was not mocking him; Yazoo would never mock him.

Kadaj squeezed his eyes shut to stop them from falling.

"Let's go inside," Yazoo said, and picked him up with very little effort.

"I can walk," Kadaj said, intent on keeping at least some of his dignity.

"Fine." Yazoo set him on his feet and Kadaj followed him back inside.

Kadaj threw his coat back on the chair and glanced toward Loz, relieved to find that he was still asleep. Sometimes it was good that the man slept like rock.

"Are you alright now?" Yazoo said from behind him.

"Un," he replied, not turning around.

Yazoo went over and settled back into his sleeping bag. "Good night, Kadaj."

Kadaj lay down as well, but didn't sleep. Instead, he stared at the ceiling, wondering what tomorrow, and Midgar, would bring. Yazoo was right, Reunion was the reason they existed and maybe, just maybe, it would give them something to live for.

"Ne, Yazoo?"

"Hmm?"

"I want to live."

Kadaj knew he understood, and though Yazoo was facing away from him, he knew he was smiling.


End file.
